You're Doing It Wrong

Adrian recently showed me a hilarious set of articles written by a fellow computer geek about the first year of his baby Cordelia's life. I have been reading my way through them and I have only on thing to say... hilarious. I am seriously cracking up because so much of it is true. The author, Jeff Vogel, says all the things that new parents don't say for fear of the judgement. Some of my favorite bits...

• "When Cordelia was on the way, I asked my parents and uncles if they ever went into the bedroom and poked their kids to make sure they were still alive. They all said yes.

  I know now that that answer was incomplete. When asked, what I will say is, "Yes, of course. But the first time you wake your child up from a sound sleep and she immediately starts screaming, you cut down on that shit REAL QUICK."

  Now I'm down to only checking my little darling every half an hour."

• "From “The Baby Book,” by William and Martha Sears, regarding babies who take a very long time breastfeeding:

  “If you have the time and baby has the desire, cherish every lingering meal, as breastfeeding is a phase of life with your baby that passes all too quickly.”

  Learn from my experience. Do not read this quote to an exhausted woman at the suckee end of a 3 AM marathon feeding session, unless you want her to do something to you with her free hand you will neither “cherish” nor want to “linger” over."

• "It is a well known fact that reading is never good for anything for anyone for any reason. It’s true. It’s been proven by science.

  This is extra-true for books on parenting. Right now, I can’t give much advice to parents, but I can say this: Parenting books only exist to make you feel like shit.

  Every parenting book is 20% actual true stuff based on science (e.g. change its diaper when it pisses itself, don’t shake the baby, don’t let it play with plastic bags) and 80% completely unsupported axe-grinding on the part of the author (e.g. don’t feed your child meat, don’t use a pacifier, don’t bind feet)."

Reading these (I'm up to Week 5) is totally cracking me up and making me feel like maybe all new parents feel like they're doing it all wrong.

If you want to read more about Cordelia's first year, click here.