Monday, August 17, 2009

Can Anybody Hear Me?

I'm disappearing. No one hears me anymore.

I'm sitting here trying to figure out the last time I was actually able to just be. No idle chitchat, no nagging list of to-do's, no listening for trouble or silence, no Internet browsing... Just being. The kind of being that I used to do on the beach, on a blanket in the backyard, flipping channels on the tv, or sitting on a swing. I even used to achieve it while running with headphones in. We'd call it being in "the zone" or "zoned out". I haven't zoned out (with the exception of a few long runs while marathon training) since Linus was born. A mom just can't zone out. There's way too much need for that. Child needs, spouse needs, house needs, parent needs, pet needs, they are endless.

That's why I sit here in the car, in the driveway, while my family continues the daily grind inside. I needed time to zone out. I needed time to listen to an album (haven't done that in over two years). I needed time to cry without upsetting anyone else. I needed time to listen to my own thoughts.

Because anymore, even I can't hear me.


@juniandpip said...

I hear ya -- at least figuratively. Finding that time to just be yourself is so tricky when "yourself" now includes mama, wife, and then some and it's hard to even know who "yourself" is anymore.

I try to tell myself it's not selfish to want that time, that space -- but it's hard.

Marty, a.k.a. canape said...

I hear you. You have been quiet lately though. I've been wondering how you are.

@sweetbabboo said...

I have been. Mainly because we've been crazy busy trying to crank out this attic remodel/finishing. I really really need to get all of this furniture moved back up there. I'm suffocating being limited to 2 or 3 rooms with Linus.

When I'm not painting or trying to clean around the piles of attic stuff, I'm usually passed out from exhaustion... thus the moodiness.


Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Having a toddler can totally do that to you. Get a break for yourself--not a couple hours, like half a day of YOU time. Find your balance, your center, your YOU.

Midwest Mom said...

It took me a while to be able to share these types of feelings with my spouse. He eventually has come to understand that there are times when I need to just be away from the house and the 24-7 responsibility. I say, share your feelings and schedule some time away. If you're anything like me, you'll find that you can come back to your life refreshed. My time away every so often -- even if it's just for an afternoon -- makes me a better parent & spouse.

Don't lose sight of what makes you strong and special. It's time to get back in touch with that.

Good luck, darlin'.

- Julia

Kelly Jernigan said...

I feel ya Abby! Sometimes it feels as if when I do get a "break" I have this constant list of errands & chores running through my mind that I feel obligated to complete. It often seems that when you become a Mom you lose your right to just veg out & relax anymore - what's up with that!!?? Hang in there & know that you are not alone :)